Funny Divorce Jokes
Read the transcript bellow
Hello. Hi tiger. How is it? How’s you go? How
you doing? Oh, is that you Foxy? I’m in Vegas,
can you? What are you doing playing the slot machine?
No, no, I’m actually getting an incredible skill. I got advertising in my email in the spam folder. And you know, I like those. There’s the BEST OFFERS, that’s my secret weapon and open it up. And guess what? It said, if you’re dating a rich person, learn how to retire wealthy. So I looked it up. And they have a seminar. So as you know, my new girlfriend, you know, she’s his Platinum singer, she makes millions of dollars and everything. So I need to know how to divorce her properly. And then this attorney, he has a seminar in Vegas, and he’s going to go Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, slow down, Tiger. You’re not even married? You don’t marry, you’re not even engaged. Have you even asked her?
Do you do it? Yeah, she’s overweight, she’s gonna be very happy to marry me. So that’s a dumb deal. The problem is, I don’t know how to do it properly. She I gotta see the My, my, my guru at the seminar. He says start with the end in mind. So my end in mind is to get you know, half of her house. And then I need to get 75% alimony because I’m poor. So I need to set it all up. So I’m entitled to that money, that lifestyle. And then she already has 10 plus million in the bank. So I need to get 75% of that not the standard 50 so we’re doing all kinds of training sessions and then they’re going to provide an extra you know what’s cool? You want
to hear this? You I’m already so disgusted. I have to warm it any minute. Yes. But please continue.
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Don’t be cynical, okay. I have a big clan to feed. So the I’m doing this for for my my aunt, uncle, cousins, nephews, okay, they’re all poor. They’re all in trailers. Okay, so I have the right to protect my family. So anyway, I’m doing this for the family. But listen, what’s cool, I don’t have to pay for the seminar. Okay, this is the real thing. They doing a contingency. Now what’s cool, included in contingency they’re gonna have a private investigator. So once I marry her and everything, and I have enough months gone by to establish you’re going to send a private investigator and catch her now she’s, she’s me, Tiger.
I have to go and vomit right now.
Why? What’s wrong? What’s wrong with this? People get divorced all the time. And take half or more of the money. It happens every single day. What’s wrong with what I’m doing?
At least at one point, they were in love. They had hope and they were romantic. And they they were they were just in love? Not like you You cold blooded. You just probably checked out and see how much money she has in her bank account. If you have mean ask her You don’t even care. Oh, Tiger. Okay,
Foxy. Hold on a second. Let’s just stop you there. millions of women and some of the men they fall in love with the bank account. I’m already in love with her bank account. She they she’s a private jet. She she’s won two Grammys, she flies around. The only thing I don’t like she’s overweight, but that’s why I have her on my you know, I have her in the palm of my hand. She does whatever I say because I’m good looking a muscled dream man. They’d be compensated for that.
Oh Tiger I don’t know whether you are pulling my little Foxy tail or whether you just out for lunch here somewhere and they probably put something into your lunch to say something so nasty so ugly. Tiger. I cannot even believe this. You saying things like this? Okay, let
me ask you this. So when you have like a old 80 year old man, and then there’s this which I don’t for the records. I don’t know. This is how this has happened. I saw it on TMZ and in the tabloids or old 80 year old man who’s rich has a yacht in a mansion and there’s a 30 year old bimbo who marries him and then she gets all this stuff. You think she didn’t fall in love with his money? So much for the bimbo? Hmm. But since you fall in love with them up for the money or not?
I don’t know I have met
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that bimbo. Okay, this happens all the time. No one ever talks about it. So what’s wrong if I do it? My family needs the money. I need the money. I’m struggling working for $15 an hour. I’m never gonna to own a house. And now this woman we go again. What do we go again?
Tiger. You just such a whiny little guy. Why do you need a house go and live in the jungle where you should be? Don’t insult people don’t be mean because they are overweight. And you think she likes you because you own muscle? Maybe you’re on muscle, but very little hard. There we go. This is what what was that? endorsees as 10 men, that’s what who you are?
Well, doesn’t matter in in a year Nana, I’m gonna be rich. Okay. And my guru lawyer, he says, He says that I need to do accounting. So I already put a bug on her laptop. So I get all the money that comes in. We’re keeping track. So no hidden assets, none of that. And I do and the cool thing is, I’m going to get some future earnings. Now the only sacrifice I have to make is I can’t get remarried. Otherwise, the 75% of our future income is not going to come in
tiger. And they teach you that it’s the stamina.
Oh, yeah. Isn’t it wonderful? And on contingency? It’s the real deal.
But how much is a contingency tiger?
It’s only 30%
You dummy tie. You’re not ahead. You really could find somebody rich, who really loves you and you love that person. And then you guys could be happy ever ever. And then you would get because in your divorce state you know, wherever you would live, you will get 50% if you by chance have to get the wars you will get 50% so now you only get 75% and minus 35%. To this sleazy, slimy seminar in lawyer. He’s probably not even a lawyer. Did you check him out?
Yeah, he had a degree from the University of American Samoa. It’s a it’s under wall. When we went there was on the wall American Samoa that’s a territory somewhere. It’s American.
Yeah. Mm hmm. Sure is Tiger issue is I have one from there as well. And this is kindness and humanity. But anyway, back to your problem.
Yes, my problem. I’m going to be rich.
Your problem right now is this you have no money. Since you have very little education. This you going to some sleazeball is a tell you Okay, we it contingency? So 75% minus 30%? How much is that tiger?
I don’t know. But it’s well, it’s more than what I have now.
It’s definitely less than 50% Tiger. Definitely no, but
listen, if here’s what he said. He said if I marry for love, and she is rich, she’s going to control the 50% then she’s going to give me allowances then I get to keep begging for money. And I’m going to be a like a serf to her
forever. This way. I’m only a serf for a year or two and then I take everything and then I can spend it however at one tiger. This compensation is disgusting. I’m sorry, I cannot be friends with you tiger. This is just this is just sad. This is heartbreaking. I don’t even believe you saying things like this. And I know you telling me this other women used to do it and now men finally get around of paying back. I mean, come on tiger. two wrongs don’t make one right.
What do you want me to do? be poor? I would never marry this woman if she wasn’t rich. And I can grab some of my my fair share of that money. That’s the only reason I’m going to marry her
tiger. You are in the seminar. This compensation is over. I’m sorry. I cannot handle it. This is so yucky. icky, stinky. Bad.
All right. Well, you know what? When I show up with my private jet in my Lamborghini, I think you’re going to have second thoughts. So I’ll see you in a couple of years after I divorced this singer.
I cannot even wish you good luck. Even if I would be Seneca I just think you’re going to live somewhere on a mountain without your clan. So there we go.
My clan is going to come rushing when they see my millions. Don’t you worry about my clan.
Oh, go away. Tiger. Go away for today. I don’t want to see you today. All right. Well, I
gotta go back to the seminar. They’re ringing the bell. Alright, bye. Bye, Foxy. See you in a couple years. I’m going to drive up with my Lamborghini.
Yeah, and I hope you’re going to hit the railway somewhere. Oh, no, no,
no, I’m not going to scratch my Lamborghini. Okay. All right. I gotta run
by tiger. By or not. Don’t see you again.